Thursday, January 22

If the election had gone the other way, the Pretenders would have recorded "Back on the McCain Gang"

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of Four Questions of the United States

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing thermal underwear, a thermal undershirt, flannel-lined khakis, an insulated Oxford shirt, insulated gloves and mittens, thick wool socks, insulated shoes, a scarf, three jackets, four hats, snow goggles, and, just to be safe, an electric blanket wrapped around his face. He also has a space heater hidden somewhere on his person.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave doesn't know what type of mood he's in, as he is too cold.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is colder than an ice cube at the North Pole in December. It is currently 52 degrees in Tampa. This is freezing for Floridians.

Q. How is Dave able to type, considering that he's wrapped up in so much protective gear?

A. Dave is banging away at the keyboard with his mittens and these, by sheer coincidence, are the letters that he is producing. Incidentally, this is the same exact manner in which William Faulkner wrote "Absalom, Absalom!"

Wednesday, January 21

On a cold and gray Chicago morn, four little questions are born in the ghetto -- in the ghetto

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. As Dave has just woke up, he is still wearing his Hannah Montana footie pajamas.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wishes he were in the subjunctive mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is an English major.

Q. Was Dave shocked by Aretha Franklin's hat at yesterday's inauguration ceremony?

A. Dave was very surprised to see Aretha Franklin's hat, as he was wearing an identical hat at that exact moment.

Tuesday, January 20

Warren and peace

I know all the pragmatic reasons why Barack Obama invited Rick Warren to speak at today's inauguration. I admit it's good politics. But I don't like it. Rick Warren openly disdains people like me. He says we deserve second-class treatment, from our political and religious institutions. He compares people like me to all sorts of undesirables and deviants.

Sure, Rick Warren may have done a whole litany of great things. He may go on to perfect cold fusion and end world hunger. But, for me, he'll always be the guy that convinced a whole bunch of misinformed voters in California that Britt's and my marriage certificate presented a danger to theirfreedom and liberty.

The most troublesome thing, in my opinion, about Warren's upcoming appearance is that it signals that the incoming appearance isn't ready for real equality for gay men and lesbians. Barack Obama spoke so eloquently and warmheartedly about equality when he needed LGBT support (and, perhaps more importantly, LGBT dollars) on the campaign trail, which is why Warren's invite to the inauguration dais seems like such a slap in the face. Perhaps this means LGBT causes aren't important to the Obama administration? Perhaps equality and inclusion will only go so far? Consider that Obama appointed several gay men and lesbians to positions in his administration, but none to his cabinet. Consider that after a month of bad publicity for his decision to bring Warren to Washington, Obama at last asked gay pastor Gene Robinson to deliver an invocation at an event on the Sunday before the actual inauguration. That speech, held two days ago, somehow got left out of the telecast.

Perhaps this is a good time to revive my call for a modest proposal for LGBT rights. If gay men and lesbians aren't going to receive the equal rights they deserve as Americans, then they should start taking special rights as a display of protest.
Here are the special LGBT rights I propose:

-- Gay men and lesbians receive automatic upgrades on all domestic flights over 2 hours, and all international flights. Also, LGBT travelers are entitled to one extra piece of carry-on luggage.

-- Gay men and lesbians may have their drivers' license reshot up to 10 times if they are not happy with the original photograph.

-- The LGBT community receives veto power over any new products at Starbucks.

-- Gay men and lesbians get free Wi-Fi everywhere. Also free iPhones.

-- Gay men and lesbians can cut to the front of the lines at museums, sporting events, movie theater concession stands, and restrooms.

-- Each gay man and lesbian may force one ignorant straight person to watch "Milk," a la "A Clockwork Orange," repeatedly until the message sets in.

-- Target will set aside one shopping day a week for LGBT customers. All of the dreck that is normally sold to straight clientele is set aside so that gay and lesbian customers don't have to look at it. Also, everything is 50 percent off, and the muzak is replaced with something more fashionable.

-- Gay men and lesbians may slap without impugnity anyone who says "the gay lifestyle." Other slappable phrases include "lifestyle choice" and "sexual preference." A more complete list of words and phrases will be issued later by me, after I am designated the Emperor of All Things Gay And Slappable.

-- When hungry, gay men and lesbians should dine on straight babies. (Tip o' the hat to Jonathan Swift.)

Right now, America is not a land of equality -- and Rick Warren, standing on a podium in just a few hours will be a symbol of that injustice. Since we can't fix the inequality overnight, let's make it the most fabulous inequality it can be.

I kissed four questions and I liked it (the tasted of its cherry chapstick)

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave's wearing a black polo shirt, khaki-colored khakis, a brown belt and brown suede shoes.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a decaffeinated mood right now, as he had to wake up very early to go to the doctor's office. He's sure his outlook will improve once a new tenant moves into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave caffeine deficiency is affecting his ability to -- what's the word? -- think.

Q. What took Dave so long to write a new installment of the Four Questions?

A. Dave says all living beings measure time differently. What is an hour to the long-lived lumbering redwood; a year to the hyperactive hedgehog? This is to say that Dave has been busy chopping down redwood trees and slaughtering hedgehogs to make a hedgehog-upholstered log cabin.

Thursday, July 3

Just married

Surprise! Britt and I just tied the knot in San Francisco.

Check out the video here.

Thursday, June 12

Monday, June 9

I feel twitty, oh so twitty, I feel Twitty and witty and gay

I have not had much free time for blogging since starting the new job, but I have been playing around with Twitter.

Twitter lets users post 140-character updates throughout the day. It's like blogging in bite-size portions. They satisfy my creative itch, in a way.

Here's a taste:

There are way too many Dunkin' Donuts in New England

Britt and I went to New Hampshire last weekend to see our friends Clay and Max tie the knot.

Every time I go to New England, I'm shocked by the number of Dunkin' Donuts locations I see. You can't travel more than 15 seconds in any direction in Massachusetts without passing a Dunkin' Donuts shop -- even by foot. There are even DD stores in the jetways at Logan Airport in Boston. New Hampshire's state bird is, if I'm not mistaken, the jelly donut. In 2009, the federal government will replace Acadia National Park in Maine with a freestanding Dunkin' Donuts with a drive-through.

There are sooo many Dunkin Donuts in New England. This one was located in the restroom of another Dunkin Donuts.

There's something about seeing so many Dunkin' Donuts stores that makes me really, really crave a Krispy Kreme donut.

Aren't they supposed to be robots in disguise?

It's hard to be a robot in disguise if you've got "Autobot" plastered across your windscreen, don't you think?

Aren't they supposed to be robots in disguise?

Saturday, May 24

Thursday, April 24

Iron-y

There are dozens of Iron Man toys available now, and they're all made of plastic. Does anyone else see the humor in this?

I Am Iron Man Toys

That is all.

Sunday, April 20

Just In Time For Passover

You'd have to be משוגעןער (that is, a meshugener) to miss this movie!

Tuesday, April 15

Roger O. Thornhill's WorldPerks Points Will Never Expire -- Or Become SkyMiles Points

If the latest airline megamerger is approved, Northwest's name will disappear from the skies -- but it will live on in Hollywood history.

Long after Delta repaints plane in Northwest's fleet, Cary Grant will still get onto a Northwest plane in Alfred Hitchcock's "North by Northwest." No one is going to change the film. No one is going to rename the movie "North by Delta" any time soon.

If Northwest disappears, it will have plenty of company in the movies and on TV. Pan Am, long defunct, is the carrier in "2001: A Space Odyssey," and "Raiders of the Lost Ark." The early years of Pan Am and TWA, another airline that's long gone, were featured heavily in the plot of "The Aviator."

At the end of every South Park episode, you'll see the logo for Braniff International Airways, which went belly up in the early 1980s. I have no idea what this has to do with South Park.

I don't think I'll be nostalgic for Northwest, although I do think that they had one of the great modern airline logos a few years ago. It looked like a N, a W, and a compass pointing northwest. It was recently revised, leaving only the compass point. This struck me as being much less clever.

Today's Memo: Handicapped Spot

To: The asshole who drives the grey Daewoo sedan

From: Dave

Subject: The handicapped spot in front of Starbucks

Date: April 15, 2008

The handicapped spot in front of Starbucks is for handicapped people. It is not a convenient place for you to park your dumpy little car while you run inside for a cup of coffee. It makes no different that you've left the motor running, or that you've parked the car at an angle, or that you've left your dumpy girlfriend sitting in the passenger seat.

The handicapped parking spot is there for disabled people, not for you, you asshole.

Time To Face Reality

I am considering renaming this blog "The Not Quite Daily Dave 2.0."

Tuesday, April 8

Photo Updates

New photo galleries have been posted online, in case you have missed them. Hop on a Transatlantic flight and check out my Paris and London galleries (including two bonus galleries), and then go west to see pictures from Denver, Estes Park and Boulder.

Up, Up And Away. Or Not.

Consider the irony: There is a gigantic metal sculpture of a penguin, the bird best known for its inability to fly, parked at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in Atlanta.

Penguins: Suitable Airport Art?

That is all.

I Don't Mean To Boast, But I Am The Smartest Person In The History Of Commercial Aviation

On my way back from the two-day training program in Atlanta for my new job, I aced Delta's in-flight trivia quiz:

Delta's In-Flight Trivia Quiz

Of course, who doesn't know that Napoleon defeated both France and Russia at Austerlitz in 1805?

To quote Homer Simpson: "I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!"

First Impressions

My new employer is the mintiest company on the planet.

There's a huge bottle of Listerine in the men's room (and, I presume, the ladies' room) on every floor. No one in this firm ever has bad breath, even after a lunch of onions and garlic.

This is just one of the multitude of reasons I am overjoyed to have changed jobs. My last job had many problems. Mouthwash would have fixed just one of them.

Wednesday, April 2

A Follow-Up Announcement

As many people have guessed, yesterday's announcement about my relocation to Omaha was, indeed, an April Fool's prank.

The Complementary Spouse and I are staying right here in Tampa.

Tuesday, April 1

An Apology ... And An Announcement

I apologize for neglecting my blog these past few days. I have been quite busy starting my new job, and there has not been much time for blogging.

In addition, the new job has been preoccupying my thoughts. Immediately after starting, I was informed that this entire business unit is being transferred to Omaha. I was stunned, but I have given the matter some thought, and Complementary Spouse Britt and I have talked extensively. It was a difficult decision, but we have decided that we're up for an adventure. I will move first; Britt has already arranged interviews with potential employers, and will follow me after the semester ends.

By summer, we will both be Nebraskans. Yippie-ky-ay and all that.

Wednesday, March 19

I See London, I See France ...

Photos from our trip to Branson, Mo. Paris and London are now online.

Paris at night
The Arc de Triomphe at night, as seen from the Eiffel Tower

Enjoy!

Because Nothing Is More Alluring Than The Stench Of The Customs Hall At Miami International Airport

I associate jet lag with gritty skin, low-grade headaches, and that grimy feeling that comes from wearing the same set of clothes from way too long.

The worst thing about jet lag, though, is that you can't experience it unless you've flown partway around the world — until now! Thanks to the duty-free shop at Miami International Airport, people don't have to leave their time zone to sample jet lag. They don't have to even leave their area code. They just need to buy some overpriced, poorly named cologne.

Jet Lag perfume poster

Jet Lag perfume

The company that makes Jet Lag cologne is called Azzaro. I can't help but speculate that this is some flowery foreign word that means ass.

Monday, March 17

Be All That You Can Be Unless You're Gay

If the military had a policy that let it discriminate against blacks or women or Asians, would it be welcome to host a massive recruiting drive here at the University of Tampa, complete with a live band, emcee, free food and free drinks?

Of course not.

And yet, Don't Ask Don't Tell is still on the record books and I am experiencing such an event (the U.S. Navy College Tour) as I wait to meet the Complementary Spouse for lunch.

No one asked me what I thought. I told anyway. That's my policy.

U.S. Navy College Tour

Sunday, March 16

Back From Branson

Complementary Spouse Britt Shirley and I have just finished up our weeklong trip to Branson, Mo. It was absolutely fabulous — it looks very much like Paris and London. I will post photos online soon.

Saturday, March 8

Today's Memo: Starbucks

Your new honey latte is deceptively named. It should be called the moldy-graham-cracker-and-dirt latte. I did not taste any honey.

Sent from my iPhone

A Programming Note

Today Dave and Complementary Spouse Britt Shirley head out for their long awaited cultural highlights tour of Branson, Mo. The RV is fueled up ready to go. Nothing can hold us back!

Expect infrequent posts for the next week or so.

Friday, March 7

The Four Questions On My Mind

Q. What is Dave wearing today?
A. Dave is wearing an old black polo shirt and a pair of shorts.

Q. How does Dave feel today?
A. Dave is looking forward to a very exciting day.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood today?
A. Dave is getting a haircut and having Shabbat dinner with friends today. These things are scheduled for different times, of course.

Q. Will today be the day that Dave finally asks his barber for the Mr. Clean look?
A. Dave says "hell no." However, Dave may consider the Mr. T look.

State Of The Indignation

Billions of years ago, before the earth cooled, my college roommate told me that he loved to watch me deal with stupid people.

I had no idea what he meant, so I asked him to explain.

He said that when I got irritated, I didn't raise my voice or grow frustrated. Instead, he said, I talked normally and explained the situation clearly to the other person. However, I made it very clear to everyone else around me that the other person was, in fact, a complete dumbkopf and wasting my time.

My roommate said he was impressed by my ability to be simultaneously polite and exasperated. I said I didn't realized I was doing anything like this. I asked him what I did to give him this impression. He said he wasn't quite sure, but it was mainly the way I rolled my eyes.

Fast forward to the present. I'm starting to accept the fact that I'm very good at expressing indignation.

A few months ago, I wrote a lengthy e-mail to a source whom I consider an expert on the slings and arrows that Generation X'ers suffer in the work place. I had written several other e-mails on the same topic. She wrote back:

hey, dave. these are fun. thanks for sending them. i love reading your
emails of indignation. you write indignation so well!

I have received few compliments that made me smile more.

A few days ago, my pal Sue wrote:
I looked up irascible in the dictionary and found your picture. I think you may be working your way up to curmudgeon.

I have always wanted to be a curmudgeon. I think it would look good on a business card. I'm still not sure which dictionary carries my picture, though. I hope it's the Oxford English Dictionary — that's the really prestigious one!