March On!

DirecTV's Web site describes "March of the Penguins" as a R-rated mystery film.

Either it's a mistake, or the MPAA revised its original rating because of all the penguin nudity. I have no idea why it's considered a mystery. Maybe the director's cut includes a scene with Colonel Mustard in the drawing room with a candlestick.

Vroom

I don't know if local motorists are still in some sort of holiday-induced stupor, of if they're just stupid, but it seems like there are a lot of bad drivers on the road today.

On my way out of Britton Plaza this morning, a driver in the right lane made a left turn right in front of me. She didn't have her turn signal on. And she had the nerve to flick me off after I honked at her -- as if she were doing a perfectly normal thing and I should be lambasted for questioning her driving judgment.

About an hour later, I saw an accident on Dale Mabry Highway. A driver in the left-hand lane decided to stop suddenly, causing several vehicles to stop suddenly ... and one didn't stop in time. I was in the right-hand lane, and I heard the crash behind me, and in my rear-view mirror I saw bits of glass and glass and metal spill out into the road. I can't imagine anyone was hurt, as no one seemed to be traveling fast enough to cause any major damage or injuries.

Perhaps I will stay home for the rest of the day.

This Is News?

Jews have been noshing on Chinese food on Christmas Day since, well, the days of Abraham and Sarah. I can't believe someone at AP was so surprised by this news that he or she decided to assign a story about it.

From the story:

Jewish customers account for much of Wong's business this time of year. Chinese food has long been a popular destination for Jews on Christmas, when few other restaurants are open.

"Chinese restaurants, Asian-owned restaurants, those owners tended to be the only folks who didn't have Christmas, too," said Rabbi David Kay of Congregation Ohev Shalom in Orlando, Florida.

What other stories might this editor be assigning? I can see the headlines now:

-- "Pope Catholic, sources say"
-- "Bear shits in woods"
-- "Shocker! Devil Rays lose"

Happy Hanukkah!

Happy Hanukkah!
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

Oh Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah! / Come light the menorah. / Let's have a party. / We'll all dance the hora!

New Rules

This was forwarded to me by America's Favorite Goth Reporter Dieter. I especially like the Starbucks item. Dieter says he doesn't know the original source -- it was forwarded to him by someone else -- but it sounds a bit Bill Maher-ish, if you ask me.

Enjoy.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it would contain?? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

And This Is Why I'm Against Genetic Engineering

The world's most annoying Santa Claus hat
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

After months of speculation, rumors and misinformation, the truth can finally be told: American scientists have succeeded in their quest to crossbreed a Slinky with a Santa Claus hat.

Go USA! Our country's scientific ingenuity knows no bounds!

The Slinky-Santa hat in this picture was worn proudly by the hyperactive kid in front of Britt and me at today's Bucs-Falcons game. (After four ho-hum quarters, the Bucs won the game in the final seconds of a thrilling overtime.) Every time this damn child moved, Britt and I had to dodge the bobbing white pom-pom. It sounds funny, but was really quite traumatic. I predict tonight I will have nightmares about being attacked by spring-loaded fluff balls.

Little Elephant Appropriates A Candy Cane

Little Elephant appropriates a candy cane
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

Elephants -- even the littlest ones -- enjoy partaking in all the delicious treats of the holidays.

Of course, elephants with a sugar buzz can be quite a handful.

Elephants At The Airport

Elephants at the airport
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

Tampa International Airport was packed tonight. Hundreds of people were waiting to pick up relatives and friends. Complementary Spouse Britt didn't get in until after midnight, as he arranged the most indirect route from Denver to Tampa in order to reap as many frequent flyer miles as possible.

I believe he had a layover in Guam.

iVeep

Someone forwarded the following news story to me. Here at the new and improved Daily Dave (our motto: "Sanitized for our protection"), we bring these matters to your attention solely for your edification. We have not, in any way, been making humorous comments today about what songs may or may not be on the Vice President's playlist. The thought has never even crossed our minds.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 22, 2005 -- After a four-day overseas trip that took him to four countries in the Middle East, Vice President Dick Cheney really wanted to get his iPod charged for that long return flight to Washington.

Since it is his plane, the vice president's iPod took priority and was plugged into one of the only working power outlets on Air Force Two, frustrating reporters who were trying to file stories.

More details here.

"Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic"

I have started posting my cameraphone pictures on Flickr. You'll find the gallery here.

I take a lot of totally unnecessary pictures with my cameraphone, so bookmark the page -- or, better yet, set up an RSS feed -- because I know you're just dying to experience the random, mundane things I experience in my humdrum everyday life.

"Please, Dave, take pictures with your cameraphone and post them online," is a request I hear repeatedly.

By the way, the line "Oh Brian, you're just ants at a picnic" comes from an episode of "Family Guy." It has nothing to do with the rest of this post.

Or, in other words, you're not insane. I am.

Meet Tamani

Elephants
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

The new baby at Lowry Park Zoo has a name and it's (drumroll, please) Tamani. It's a Swahili word that means "hope," according to zoo officials.

Check out these photos I shot a few weekends ago.

Isn't Tamani the cutest little fella you've ever seen? He almost makes me wish I had attended the University of Alabama so that I could get away with wearing elephant-emblazoned clothes all the time. (The optimal word in that last sentence is "almost.")

Daal at the Washington Monument

Daal at the Washington Monument
Originally uploaded by Dave Sim.

Everyone loves an elephant picture during the holidays.

In fact, today is National Share Your Baby Elephant Photo day.

Ta.st.y

Come join me on del.icio.us.

Campbell's Mmm Mmm Good

Who knew wearing a soup can on your head would be so enjoyable or informative?

MySpace

I am now one of those MySpace people. This means I'm part of the hottest, trendiest, most sought-after group of Internet users in the world.

No, wait. I'm thinking of something else. Being on MySpace makes me a big ol' geek, and now that I have set up an account, we can all look forward to the countless hours I will spend ignoring the darn thing until the MySpace people delete my account because it will not have been updated in ages.

I believe that last sentence was, indeed, grammatically correct. I do not know however if it made any sense.

For now, however, find me at www.myspace.com/skipford. And if you're a MySpace user, let me know what the heck all this is about.

King Kong

Complementary spouse Britt and I saw Peter Jackson's "King Kong" today. I loved it. Britt said it was too long, but I think he's jealous because he couldn't afford any computer-generated dinosaurs for his remake of "King Kong." He used lizards. Not showbiz lizards, though. Little tiny Florida lizards from our front yard.

It was, in hindsight, the worst version of "King Kong" ever.

No, I take that back.

That Jeff Bridges-Jessica Lange fiasco was the worst version of "King Kong" ever, by far.

Around The World, Again...

Looking for a cinematic masterpiece? You won't find it here: "Around The World In 365 Days (Again)," a short film about Britt's and my travel adventures this year.

You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll be horrified by the cheap production values -- the whole thing looks like a bunch of digital photos, slapped together in iMovie. Not impressed? Well, excuse me for not being the next Peter Jackson. I don't even own a video camera. Why is NOTHING ever good enough for you?

Cue tears.

Last year's travel movie, which is much less passive-aggressive, can still be found here if you're interested.

Species-licious

You know, whenever we discover a new species of animal in this world, I am struck with feelings of awe and wonder. I am also left wondering what it would taste like.

Mmmm.

Bill O'Reilly vs. Howard Stern

The new and improved (and sanitized for my protection) Daily Dave 2.0 would never offer up an opinion on the recent Howard Stern vs. Bill O'Reilly brouhaha. I only mention these things as a public service.

Too Many Words

It seems food manufacturers are trying to cram more and more words into the names of their new products. First we had Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and now there's Vanilla Yogurt Crunch Life Cereal, as seen here with Side Salad blogger and all-around great guy Jeff Houck:


So, what's next? I predict it won't be long before we see Low Fat Ginger Sardine Hazelnut Oreos.

How Redundant

I saw this book in Borders:


Do you really think they needed the word "Evil" in the title? Is there a competing book called "Benevolent Serial Killers" somewhere?

Jewlicious!

If I were to create my own Kosher soy sauce, here's what I would call it:


Of course, now that someone's already claimed the name "Soy Vay," I could always create a competing brand called "Soy Gevalt."

Bunnies For Christmas

Although I don't think I sit though another nauseating forced-nostalgia-fest viewing of "A Christmas Story," I can certainly stomach a 30-second parody of the film. Especially when it features cartoon bunnies.

Go here to see what I'm talking about.