Tuesday, October 31

National Novel Writing Month

Tomorrow is November 1, which means I'll begin writing a 50,000-word novel as part of National Novel Writing Month. I've done this twice before -- I was successful two years ago, but failed in 2005.

Official NaNoWriMo 2006 Participant

Will I be triumphant this year, or will I crank out several thousand words of drivel before throwing up my hands in disgust?

Probably the latter.

I'll keep you posted.

Boulder And Estes Park Photos Now Online

Photos of our recent trip to Boulder and Estes Park are now online for your viewing pleasure. It was a wild adventure, filled with moose, mountains and mmmm-mmmm-delicious Celestial Seasonings tea.

Today's Memo: Stephen King

To: Stephen King
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 31, 2006
Subject: The Stanley Hotel

Britt and I recently visited the Stanley Hotel in Estes Park, Colo. It's my understanding that the Stanley was your inspiration for the Overlook Hotel in "The Shining." After seeing the hotel, I was inspired to pick up "The Shining" on Saturday night. I read about two-thirds of it on the trip back to Tampa, and the remaining third last night in bed.

I am now scared out of my wits. Thank you so much. I will have to sleep with the lights on for the rest of my life.

Monday, October 30

Today's Memo: The Mute Button

To: The Mute Button
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 30, 2006
Subject: Thank You

You saved my sanity last night when John Madden launched into a lengthy discussion about the dryness of pork chops and the moistness of pulled pork -- a topic which, if I'm not mistaken, has nothing to do with football. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thursday, October 26

Today's Memo: Equal

To: Equal
From: Dave
Date: October 26, 2006
Subject: Demands

Your Drink Demands Equal

Cut the attitude, Equal! I decide what artificial sweetner goes in my iced tea -- not you. I will not take orders from packaging.

Wednesday, October 25

I'm Wendy Testaburger

Well, if you've got to be a girl in the South Park universe, you could do worse.


Sunday, October 22

Today's Memo (No. 2): John Mellencamp

To: John Mellencamp nee Cougar
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 22, 2006
Subject: Stop.

Stop. Please stop. Please stop now. You know what I'm talking about.

Today's Memo: Burger King Employees

To: The employees of the Burger King in the Delta terminal at John F. Kennedy International Airport
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 22, 2006
Subject: Sluggish service

Two days ago, at lunch time, I ordered a chicken sandwich, a fish sandwich and some onion rings for my partner and me.

Your restaurant was so slow that in the time it took me to complete my order and receive my food, the entire Burger Royal Family could have been deposed in a coup d'etat and been replaced by a republican political system with clearly delineated branches of government and constitutional protections for its citizens.

This worries me because (a) I fear violent government change and (b) it is well known that monarchies make the best onion rings.

Thursday, October 19

Today's Memo: Claudia Schiffer

To: Claudia Schiffer
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 19, 2006
Subject: Project Runway

Jeffrey won? Is this some kind of joke? We're talking about the guy whose dresses look like schmattas hand-stiched by Dr. Frankenstein.

Bad call!

Tuesday, October 17

Today's Memo: John Mayer

To: John Mayer
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 17, 2006
Subject: Haircut

I recently saw this picture of you in a promotional e-mail from Starbucks:

Have you considered a haircut? You sort of look like Edward Scissorhands.

Thursday, October 12

Today's Memo: Fergie

To: Fergie
From: Dave
Date: Oct. 12, 2006
Re: London Bridge

I wish to point out to your attention that your song seems to refer to Tower Bridge, not London Bridge. Accordingly, the lyrics to your song should be: "How come everytime you come around, / My Tower, Tower bridge, wanna go down like, / Tower, Tower Tower, wanna go down like, / Tower, Tower, Tower, we goin' down like."

The current London Bridge is a drab, unimaginative concrete cantilevered bridge built about 35 years ago. It does no go up or down. The most remarkable thing that ever happened there was when the the bridge was hit by the HMS Jupiter in 1984. Perhaps this collision could be the inspiration for a revised, more accurate song: "How come everytime you come around, / The HMS Jupiter, HMS Jupiter wanna collide like ..."

Tuesday, October 10

Blogger On The Rebound

I haven't done much posting recently, but that may change soon. I can feel the creative juices rumbling, bubbling, boiling inside me.

Oh wait, that's my stomach.

Where is the nearest bathroom?! Hurry!

[Time passes...]

Okay, so maybe those weren't creative juices. Nonetheless, for the first time in weeks, I feel compelled to write, to share, to extract thin slivers of my brain and place them on microscope slides for the rest of the world to examine. (Figuratively, of course. I would prefer to keep my literal brain intact.)

Today, I wrote the following haiku at work:

Like a lousy whore,
Coke machine takes my money
But doesn't put out.

Okay, so I'm not William Blake. But at least I know how to spell tiger properly. What's the matter, Blake: you too busy to run spell check?