Tuesday, September 11

Weight, Weight -- Don't Tell Me

When you have recently turned 35 years old, and you have just become the uncle to the Cutest Baby in the World (I use capitals because this is an Indisputable Fact, and not a matter of opinion), it makes you reconsider a few things.

Right now, I'm reconsidering my waistline.

I want to be around to dote on Ryland for a long, long time. I don't want to be like Homer Simpson, who claims he's "I'm one Snickers pie away from losing my foot to diabetes."

Gaining any more weight is not an option. If I get any wider, I predict the following things will happen:

-- I'll need a prescription to buy pants.
-- Richard Simmons will pay visit.
-- A work crew will have to cut a hole in the wall of the house, and a forklift will be needed to lift me out of bed.

I exaggerate, of course. I'm not that bad. I do think the idea of prescription pants are funny, though. I wonder if they'd be covered by my health insurance company.

Back to the weight loss issue.

Britt and I are already taking action. (Britt, of course, is already much closer to his target weight than I am. He is also approximately nine feet tall, which helps.) We have evaluated several diets:

-- Weight Watchers Online: This plan is already working well for Lee and Michon, who have already lost a noticeable amount of weight since July. It seems to provide a lot of flexibility. Lee and Michon said they never go hungry and never feel cheated out of their favorite foods. The plan forces them to make good decisions, they say.

-- Jenny Craig weight loss: This is another plan that has seemed to work for a lot of people. I'm not sure how I feel about limiting myself to prepackaged meals, though.

-- Larry Craig weight loss: Under this plan, you allegedly eat anything you want while telling everyone else you're on a strict diet. When you're caught, you fess up right away, and then try to recant your story a few weeks later.

-- The cabbage diet: Britt said he read about this in some magazine a few years ago. Apparently, you can eat anything you want, but when you're hungry, you must eat cabbage soup. I see two major flaws with this diet plan. First, when I'm hungry, I don't always have nice hot bowl of cabbage soup near by. Second, the cabbage diet seems like it quickly would become the flatulence diet, which really doesn't benefit anyone.

-- The Reese's Peanut Butter Cup diet: On this diet, you eat nothing but Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. This plan sounds the most attractive to me. It is also one that I just made up, and is all but guaranteed to make me gain weight.

-- The Jewish Mom diet: This is not a diet, but an old joke. A son calls his mom and is shocked to hear how frail she sounds on the phone. He asks what's wrong. She explains that she hasn't eaten in days. He asks why not. She replies: "I've been waiting by the phone for my darling son to call. I didn't want there to be food in my mouth when he did." (Oy, such guilt!)

Britt and I have made our diet selection. Last night, we signed up for Weight Watchers Online. I hope you'll be seeing less of us soon.

1 comment:

Nigel said...

You might consider running after wire fox terrriers or eating dog biscuits (wheat-free, not manufactured in China).