Wednesday, October 17

America Loves The Four Questions

If you're not with the Four Questions, you're against the Four Questions.

Q. What is Dave wearing?
A. Dave is wearing a burgundy polo shirt and tan pants.

Q. How does Dave feel today?
A. Dave is hyperactive.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood today?
A. Dave's been in Starbucks, writing and inhaling a lot of caffeine. Here at Starbucks, coffee isn't just in the cups -- it's in the atmosphere. Dave's theory is that little caffeine particulates swirl through the air, get breathed in, and are absorbed into the bloodstream. Just as miners suffer from black lung disease, frequent Starbucks customers can contract brown lung disease.

Q. How does Dave plan to deal with his hyperactivity?
A. Dave thinks a nice Mountain Dew, followed by a Red Bull chaser, will calm him down.

1 comment:

Tampa said...

Dave, having worked around annoying journalists all of your career (I assume, who knows, even though I pretend to have known you forever, I actually am making that up. Perhaps you used to work in the coal mines.) Anyway. Where was I? Oh, yes. With your newsroom experience I'm sure you can handle this edit: hyperactive is actually *not* a feeling, Dave. Clearly, you've never spent any time in rehab. If you had, you would know that they're very strict about feelings. They actually have "feelings" group. They go around the circle, and everyone has to come up with a word for their feelings. The Feelings Nazis promptly bitchslap such cheats as "hyperactive." Restless would work. Irritable is good. Cranky is also an approved feeling. I would be happy to send you a feelings list, so that you can get better in touch with your inner Dave and perhaps begin to work on not deflecting your true feelings with jokes about caffeine.