Wednesday, October 17

Spam, Delightful Spam

I get a disgusting amount of junk mail at work. If spam were Spam, I could feed the world.

The only redeeming thing about receiving copious amounts of spam is that I get to see lots of ethnologically suspicious names listed in my inbox. I have been keeping a list of most improbable (and, therefore, most amusing) names:

-- Abraham Fernandex
-- Chaim Comfort
-- Yong-King Holyfield
-- Rodolfo F. Griffith
-- Evangelina Clemons
-- Gilberto McBride
-- Jaček Schweizer
-- Colon Flush

That last name could be a person or a product. Who knows?

I have also received at least one message addressed to "Hello Kitty Baby Simanoff." I am assuming that this is a random series of words, and not a sign that the Internet marketing world has learned of my fascination with Hello Kitty.

I receive much less spam in my personal e-mail accounts, but some of the junk messages I get are spectacularly inane. One was titled "We think your house may be Haunted!" Here is the text:

Dave Simanoff

Three houses in your neighborhood have had high amounts of spiritual activity. Our instruments show strange energy radiating directly from your home.

Please dont wait until it is too late!

Click Here to find out if your house is Haunted.


Obviously, I didn't click on the link to find out if my house is haunted. I've seen "Ghostbusters." I don't want Bill Murray to come by, crack jokes, and break Complementary Spouse Britt Shirley's collection of ceramic elephants.

Wait! At the very bottom of this spam, there's long stream of fine print, obviously crafted by a cabal of lawyers, that makes it very clear that the "IsYourHouseHaunted Club Subscription Service" will send you three text messages a week to your cell phone, for which you'll pay $9.99 a month.

Wha-wha-what? These aren't licensed ghost hunters trying to help me rid my house of negative spiritual energy? This is some kind of text messaging racket? I am shocked -- shocked and surprised! These people are giving the legitimate ghost-detection-through-e-mail business a bad reputation.

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