Thursday, November 15

All The World's A Stage, And All The Men And Women Merely Ask Four Questions

If prick us, do we not bleed? If you ask Four Questions, do we not answer?

Q. What is Dave wearing?
A. Dave is wearing brown khaki pants and a black-and-white striped rugby shirt. Dave usually feels entitled to dress somewhat more casual on Thursday than other people do, as he has to wear a jacket and tie on Friday to tape his Business Report segment for WFLA, while his coworkers wear Z. Cavaricci pants and Hypercolor T-shirts.

Q. How does Dave feel today?
A. Dave feels completely rewarded and fulfilled at work. He is not in any way bitter that a story Dave had written Monday was held for two days, and subsequently the competing newspaper in town was able to publish its story on the same topic first. He is not at all embarrassed or let down. Anyone who reads this paragraph and thinks Dave is being sarcastic is wrong. Dave is never sarcastic.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood today?
A. Sunshine and cool weather make Dave happy.

Q. Did Dave own a pair of Z. Cavaricci pants?
A. No, but America's Favorite Little Brother Lee Simanoff did, and wore them to his own Bar Mitzvah reception. This is why photographs from the reception have been burned, and the ashes have been buried at an undisclosed location somewhere in Nevada. Reformed Sourpuss Doug Stanley doesn't know what Z. Cavaricci pants are, so Dave explained that they were very popular in South Florida and looked exactly like the pants that M.C. Hammer wore in his "Can't Touch This" video. As he explained this, Dave realized that he could do the M.C. Hammer "Too Legit To Quit" hand gesture from memory. Doug's response: "You're scaring me."

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