Thursday, January 22

If the election had gone the other way, the Pretenders would have recorded "Back on the McCain Gang"

I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of Four Questions of the United States

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave is wearing thermal underwear, a thermal undershirt, flannel-lined khakis, an insulated Oxford shirt, insulated gloves and mittens, thick wool socks, insulated shoes, a scarf, three jackets, four hats, snow goggles, and, just to be safe, an electric blanket wrapped around his face. He also has a space heater hidden somewhere on his person.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave doesn't know what type of mood he's in, as he is too cold.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is colder than an ice cube at the North Pole in December. It is currently 52 degrees in Tampa. This is freezing for Floridians.

Q. How is Dave able to type, considering that he's wrapped up in so much protective gear?

A. Dave is banging away at the keyboard with his mittens and these, by sheer coincidence, are the letters that he is producing. Incidentally, this is the same exact manner in which William Faulkner wrote "Absalom, Absalom!"

Wednesday, January 21

On a cold and gray Chicago morn, four little questions are born in the ghetto -- in the ghetto

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. As Dave has just woke up, he is still wearing his Hannah Montana footie pajamas.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave wishes he were in the subjunctive mood.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave is an English major.

Q. Was Dave shocked by Aretha Franklin's hat at yesterday's inauguration ceremony?

A. Dave was very surprised to see Aretha Franklin's hat, as he was wearing an identical hat at that exact moment.

Tuesday, January 20

Warren and peace

I know all the pragmatic reasons why Barack Obama invited Rick Warren to speak at today's inauguration. I admit it's good politics. But I don't like it. Rick Warren openly disdains people like me. He says we deserve second-class treatment, from our political and religious institutions. He compares people like me to all sorts of undesirables and deviants.

Sure, Rick Warren may have done a whole litany of great things. He may go on to perfect cold fusion and end world hunger. But, for me, he'll always be the guy that convinced a whole bunch of misinformed voters in California that Britt's and my marriage certificate presented a danger to theirfreedom and liberty.

The most troublesome thing, in my opinion, about Warren's upcoming appearance is that it signals that the incoming appearance isn't ready for real equality for gay men and lesbians. Barack Obama spoke so eloquently and warmheartedly about equality when he needed LGBT support (and, perhaps more importantly, LGBT dollars) on the campaign trail, which is why Warren's invite to the inauguration dais seems like such a slap in the face. Perhaps this means LGBT causes aren't important to the Obama administration? Perhaps equality and inclusion will only go so far? Consider that Obama appointed several gay men and lesbians to positions in his administration, but none to his cabinet. Consider that after a month of bad publicity for his decision to bring Warren to Washington, Obama at last asked gay pastor Gene Robinson to deliver an invocation at an event on the Sunday before the actual inauguration. That speech, held two days ago, somehow got left out of the telecast.

Perhaps this is a good time to revive my call for a modest proposal for LGBT rights. If gay men and lesbians aren't going to receive the equal rights they deserve as Americans, then they should start taking special rights as a display of protest.
Here are the special LGBT rights I propose:

-- Gay men and lesbians receive automatic upgrades on all domestic flights over 2 hours, and all international flights. Also, LGBT travelers are entitled to one extra piece of carry-on luggage.

-- Gay men and lesbians may have their drivers' license reshot up to 10 times if they are not happy with the original photograph.

-- The LGBT community receives veto power over any new products at Starbucks.

-- Gay men and lesbians get free Wi-Fi everywhere. Also free iPhones.

-- Gay men and lesbians can cut to the front of the lines at museums, sporting events, movie theater concession stands, and restrooms.

-- Each gay man and lesbian may force one ignorant straight person to watch "Milk," a la "A Clockwork Orange," repeatedly until the message sets in.

-- Target will set aside one shopping day a week for LGBT customers. All of the dreck that is normally sold to straight clientele is set aside so that gay and lesbian customers don't have to look at it. Also, everything is 50 percent off, and the muzak is replaced with something more fashionable.

-- Gay men and lesbians may slap without impugnity anyone who says "the gay lifestyle." Other slappable phrases include "lifestyle choice" and "sexual preference." A more complete list of words and phrases will be issued later by me, after I am designated the Emperor of All Things Gay And Slappable.

-- When hungry, gay men and lesbians should dine on straight babies. (Tip o' the hat to Jonathan Swift.)

Right now, America is not a land of equality -- and Rick Warren, standing on a podium in just a few hours will be a symbol of that injustice. Since we can't fix the inequality overnight, let's make it the most fabulous inequality it can be.

I kissed four questions and I liked it (the tasted of its cherry chapstick)

Q. What is Dave wearing?

A. Dave's wearing a black polo shirt, khaki-colored khakis, a brown belt and brown suede shoes.

Q. What kind of mood is Dave in?

A. Dave is in a decaffeinated mood right now, as he had to wake up very early to go to the doctor's office. He's sure his outlook will improve once a new tenant moves into 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Q. What are the factors affecting Dave's mood?

A. Dave caffeine deficiency is affecting his ability to -- what's the word? -- think.

Q. What took Dave so long to write a new installment of the Four Questions?

A. Dave says all living beings measure time differently. What is an hour to the long-lived lumbering redwood; a year to the hyperactive hedgehog? This is to say that Dave has been busy chopping down redwood trees and slaughtering hedgehogs to make a hedgehog-upholstered log cabin.